Don't Follow My Lead

There.  I said it, loudly and publicly.   I have cheated on every single relationship I have ever been on.  Every “I Love You.”  I have ever said has been diminished in power because of the love of my life.

She has been there, even before my first official girlfriend, she came into my life when I was young, around 14 years old.  Can’t say if it was love at first sight, but certainly infatuation. The more I learn about her, the more infatuated I became.   When I was younger and didn’t have a partner in my life, she would tell me her tales, and her knowledge.  She sounded so mature and so exciting.  But I couldn’t give myself to her.  I wanted to, but I was taking the safe route.  I knew we couldn’t be together.  My time in Puerto Rico was mostly with her, dreaming of her, talking about her.

By the time I was leaving Puerto Rico in August of 1999.  I started a long distance relationship.  This is probably the only time she backed off in my life.  She gave me the space I wanted and needed.   I left Puerto Rico to do a U.S. West coast trip, I had a great time with my then-girlfriend.   Came back to Puerto Rico, and a few weeks later I was living in Orlando, Florida.   I thought that with me leaving Puerto Rico my affair would end.

It didn’t, I didn’t know she was such a jealous person.  Thinking of her was always though.  I wanted to be with her.  When I was in between relationships I always wondered what it would be to give myself to her.  She never stopped talking to me.  Nor I stopped saying how I felt about her.  It became my obsession.

We went through some highs or lows.  But always talking and day dreaming together.  When I was in my longest relationship I introduced my affair as a friend.  Someone we could hang out with.  And it worked for a little bit.  My girlfriend didn’t know how strong our relationship was.  Hell, I didn’t know how strong my desire for her was.  Sometimes I would be looking afar, and my girlfriend would wonder what I was thinking about.   I was thinking about her.  In another place.  She would blame one of my friends.  I made her jealous, but she was blaming the wrong person.

When I was in this relationship, my girlfriend got pregnant.  Oh, my affair was livid.  She couldn’t believe we did that.   I thought I lost her forever at this point.  The only time I thought I was going to be done for sure of my affair.  I was afraid this would be our end.  So many years talking and dreaming.  About to go by the wayside.  I’m not going to lie, being this far into the affair and the thought of losing her, didn’t make me the most supporting boyfriend.  If there’s one time I feel regret this would be it.  I created some distance between me and my girlfriend.  When she wanted me there I was feeling sorry for myself.  For that I’m sorry.

The stress of the relationship wasn’t good for my then-girlfriend, the lack of support, and family stress, just wasn’t good for her.  She ended up with a miscarriage.  I have never felt such opposites sides of feelings, happy and relief because my affair wouldn’t end.  Sad and frustrated because I was finally coming around to the idea of being a father figure.  From cutting my ties of my affair and start to accept my place as an adult and a father.

I re-dedicated myself to my girlfriend at this point.  After such a tragic moment in our relationship I said I wasn’t going to fail her again.   And I didn’t for a few years, we had a good run.  I made her happy, and I made her laugh.  But  my thoughts would deceive me.  My mind would wander and eventually my affair came back, and me and my girlfriend were on different path.  She wanted to try a family again, and I was firm that I wasn’t ready.  We broke up.  It was ugly.

I asked my affair if this would be the time for us to finally be together but she said I couldn’t yet.  I wasn’t ready.  But I didn’t want to be alone, so I started other relationships.  I would still introduced my affair as a friend.  Eventually those relationships ended.  Was my affair part of it?  Maybe.   I certainly wasn’t honest with them about it.

At this point in my life, I’m reeling.  I have many questions and many other unfulfilled promises.  I sought out professional help.  And realize how my affair was being toxic in my life.  At this point I also started dating again.  And for the first time I was truthful about my affair with my girlfriend.  I told her how I felt about, and what I needed to do with my affair.  And to my surprise Sarah understood how important this affair was to me.  How it would be part of my life if I didn’t give myself to this other relationship.

Sarah may not understand why I have such a passion for my affair, but she understand what it means to me.  So she accepted me into her life with my baggage.  I promised her I would give my affair an ultimatum.   A real final ultimatum.